Nothing can cause fights faster than stupid stuff.  As I do my research (talking to my friends mostly), I have found that the majority of fights occur over stupid stuff.  The big things are often handled with a far more delicate hand.  Big things don't come around too often so it stands to reason that if you are fighting a lot it is over the stupid stuff.  In order to end these fights I am going to present rules to various situations, were as (is that supposed to be one word : wereas?  Hell, I don't know.) both parties have to adhere to the rules.

Rule of Ordering at a Drive Thru

1. If ordering for a car load of people, the driver should be given all orders by the time he pulls up to the speakerbox.
2. YOU MAY NOT INTERRUPT the conversation between the driver and the magically talking box.  While the ordering is going on that relationship is sacred.  If you have something to add simply touch the driver and wait for the order to be finished.  You can then tell him what you need to tell him and he will address the magical talking box again.
3. If the order is more than 40 dollars then you should not use the drive thru.  That is too many items for the driver to keep track of in his head.
4. Remember that orders can be changed at the window as well, so if something is not right or someone other than the driver wants to make a modification this can be addressed at the window, besides it is just fast food not the end of the world.
5. Once the transaction is done, IT IS DONE.  If all food is correct then why the hell would you have issue with how it was ordered?  If the driver did not order to your satisfaction, then drive yourself next time...  Seriously, do we really care?

Okay so I am trying a new type of post and we will see if it sticks around.  The reason for this is simple.  The topic I want to cover really does not fit into A Husband's guide to, Terms of, or Things.  Please keep in mind that Off Topic But On Point is on a trial run so if you love it, please comment or shoot me an email (thehusblog@gmail.com), please do the same if you hate it as well.

I have gotten a small amount of emails about my writing style and requests for how to be a better writer.  Seriously, I mean a small amount...  But I decided to address those emails in a post rather than writing to the small handful of emails.  Let me first say that I do not think I am a good writer.  There are several writers that I look up to.  In fact I am going to list a few of them here :

The Blogess Click Here  She is amazingly funny, and an insanely better writer than I could ever hope to be.
We Band of Mothers Click Here  She is very funny and has a sharp wit that will stab you in the face if you are not careful.
Marriage Problems Blog Click Here  She is incredibly honest, and paints a picture that you can really feel.
Her Crazy Thoughts Click Here  Raw and unfiltered, she does a great job of sharing her opinions without judgement.

These are my favorite writers, each with there (I used there wrong on purpose) own flare and flavor and each one showing me where my writing is lacking and where it could be better.  Writing really breaks down into three main points...  (not doing A Husblog Definition Pause here, because that is only for A Husband's Guide to posts...  but why do I feel still like I am cheating whenever I use bulletpoints...)

• Theme : All writing should have a theme that you carry throughout.  Its what makes the difference between hard to follow free form thoughts versus a well thought out piece of writing.
• Style : Do you want it to feel informal, as if you are talking to a friend, or do you want it to feel as if you are addressing a large group of strangers.  Either way is fine, but your style should reflect you!  A good exercise is to write as if you would talk to your audience.  Think about who you would want to talk to and write in a way to reach them.  It could be friendly and random (wanted to use non sequitur here but I could not spell it) or honest and serious... In any case use the style that fits you.
• Honesty : I can attest, that it is very hard to be completely honest in a post.  You always want to filter yourself so that you look better, or sound more intellegent (spelled it wrong on purpose to make a point).  But people will read your stuff because they can relate to it.  So please be honest.  If that is hard for you then I have an exercise.  Have a couple drinks, then write down your thoughts.  I have found that after a couple of cocktails, the filter that makes me want to seem better than I am turns off and all that is left is me, which I hope is good enough.

Okay gentleman, when we are out with our male friends we can get loud, boastful, and even a little bit rude.  This combination of friends and testosterone is key to maintaining yourself.  As we grow in our marriage, the demands of being a good husband can wreck havoc on our masculine side.  When this happens we have our friends around to tell us kind words of encouragement.

"Dude..."

• "Be A Man" : A classic, usually reserved when a male in the group orders something silly like an apple-tini..
• "Sack Up" : Reserved for short term situations, perhaps your friend has just lost his bar seat to some douche bag and it going to let it go, a simple "Sack Up" is required to get him to toss the fucking Abercrombie wearing douche off his seat.
• "Can I Hold Your Purse For You?" :  For more prolonged wuss-ness, this simple chiding might be just enough to get your friend back.

I want to be The Cool Husband.  Now don't get me wrong, I do not mean this in a "I ride a Harley and wear a leather jacket" kind of way.  Nor do I mean it in a "I surprise my wife with an expensive gift" kind of way.  There are those situations when things get awkward or tense, where the The Cool Husband just lets things slide and adapts to the situation.

I am reminded of a situation my wife and I shared that I swore that I would never repeat to anyone.  Though I cannot share the details, I will say it involved a party with people she worked with and I had to play the role of dutiful husband.  I can also say that I was awesome.  As the situation kept getting worse, I adapted, made things work well, and came off smelling like roses.  It was a night where I had to bite my tongue, swallow my pride, and all other manor of things that I shall not name here.  My role at that time was to be cool as it were, and I did wonderfully.  Now all that would be perfect in itself, but you know what the last mile of that marathon is...  Not bringing it up again.  You see to really be The Cool Husband you have to not only play the part, but you also have to not keep score.  I never use that night for leverage, nor do I ever bring it up as an example of my "Husbandly Prowess"(I should make t-shirts with that slogan), instead it is a quiet badge I wear, knowing that for one night I was the "awesomest" husband in the world...  AND IT TOTALLY KILLS ME!

I so want to bring it up in arguments, I want to gloat, I want to remind my wife how freaking lucky she is to have me...  But I do not, because that is not what a Cool Husband does.   In a marriage there are some things that you just have to do, and not expect reward.  Early in a relationship you will be rewarded for the most tiny of work, but as the relationship grows those small milestones become common place and the same rewards are not required.  Marriage is a marathon and not a sprint, so you must play the long game and continue to enjoy victories, but never gloat or boast, because doing so makes you appear to be nothing more than a self important ass.

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : The Cool Husband Caveats

• Do things without an eye towards reward
• Do things that you would want done for you
• Do things only thinking that they will benefit your spouse
• Do things without ever bringing them up again

I am a sucker for TV.  My wife would say that I watch way too much of it, which is probably true.  Now it can certainly be said that most TV is written so that little life gems that people can identify with are placed so that the viewer can connect with the show.  That being said the most obvious thing about TV, however, is the fact that it is NOT REAL.  So I got to thinking how would some of my favorite sitcoms be different if they were real.

• How I Met Your Mother : Rather than being on season 7, How I Met Your Mother would have only been a 2 episode show, with the first episode having the main character listing off a small percentage of his ex's while calling them names like Liar, Unstable, Whore, Dumb, etc.  The second episode would be a long story about how happy he is to have found the love of his life, the end. (Whether or not that is true, he is telling his children, and we all know they can't be trusted)
• Two and A Half Men : Charlie Sheen's character would not only be suffering from Syphilis, but would more than likely be in jail for failing to pay child support to his three illegitimate kids.  The "Half Man," would easily be sneaking into strip clubs by now, unable to have a healthy relationship with a woman to save his life.
• Big Bang Theory : Remove all hot chicks from that show and it becomes accurate.
• Family Guy : Lois would have divorced Peter somewhere around episode 2, and taken custody of the kids because Peter would be classified as mentally retarded by even the most clueless of Judges.

These are just a few examples, I am sure you can think of others, put them in the comments I would love to know what you think...

-TheHusBlog

Yes I do realize that this blog post is about to win the most random title of the year award.  This weekend I got to spend time with a very good friend (this friend in fact helped me start this blog so we will call him CoTheHusblogGuy (you know I like to stick with a certain name format when ambiguously referring to people other than myself)).  He just recently moved and needed some help moving a 4-part desk from one room to another.  Well thanks to my mother's predilection for moving furniture on a whim throughout my teenage years, I am a moving champion, so I happily agreed to help just to spend time with a friend.  CoTheHusBlogGuy is married and has a few kids so time with him is precious because he often has other obligations.

The day started when I got there, first I got a tour of the new house and then we decided the next order of business was to go out and get lunch...  I know what you are thinking, "Two husbands get together and the first order of business is to eat, a little lazy huh!?"  Or you are thinking, "Your good friend has been named by you as CoTheHusBlogGuy, first of all isn't that a little formulaic, or at the very least narcissistic?"  To which I answer, I got to his house late, he hadn't eaten breakfast and it was 2.00pm, a man's got to eat right?

We ate and then promptly surveyed our task.  Oh yes, many tools were used.  First, a tape measure to see if we could get the desk through the passage ways.  Then a hammer and a sharp pointed thingy (I am not good with tool names) to remove a door from it's hinges.  And a screwdriver with lots of different bits to take the 4 part desk apart.  CoTheHusBlogGuy and I worked with a hive mind, each task taken care of with a group think mentality.  Neither one of us directed the process from start to finish, instead the mantle of leadership passed between us like a baton, we became task oriented, sure we talked while we were performing our duties, chit chatted if you will, but we focused on action.  The whole process was very smooth, except of course for one loan screw that required a significant amount of "coaxing" (and cursing) from it's position.

Once the desk was moved from the game room to the office, we set about re-arranging the game room to make use of the newly acquired space.  CoTheHusBlogGuy did something I would do before starting this endeavor, he called TheWifeofCoTheHusBlogGuy (I know this naming shit is getting ridiculous but I am a creature of habit so back off) up so that she could get her opinion.

She came up and gave her opinion but she was a little peeved at the whole situation and I witnessed a slight tiff between the two of them.  A tiff that I must say I am sure I have had on many occasions with my own wife.  TheWifeofCoTheHusBlogGuy looked at me after their exchange and asked, "Do you and your wife talk like this?"  To which I replied with a slight smile, "All the time."  You see moving is stressful, a new house full of boxes, not knowing where the nearest whatever is nearby, not to mention all the little touch ups to do list you are making in your own head can wear on a person and it is bound to come out with little snippy comments.

What I witnessed was a window into their relationship, a relationship that is loving, real, and not always pretty (much like all relationships).  But it was JUST LIKE MINE!  In one little exchange my relationship with my wife was validated, "They have the same fights I have."

Let me break it down for you : Your marriage is probably not very different from your neighbor's, your friend's, or even your pastor's.  No matter how perfect you want your life to be, or how perfect you think your life should be, you are wrong.  Your relationship has two real people in it, and those two people have emotions and reactions that are very human.

"Okay TheHusBlog, CoTheHusBlogGuy, and TheWifeofCoTheHusBlogGuy, your point is great and all, but you have only addressed two of the three things mentioned in your tittle, missing something are we?"  No you are not, I am getting to that.

Big Brother is a reality show that I do watch, I have a weakness for a few shows and Big Brother is one of them.

There is a theory in documentary film making that states : "Once you point a camera at something, you change it, no matter what."  So all reality TV shows(including Big Brother), documentaries, heck even interviews for the news are changed by the simple fact that a camera is pointing at the event.  However there comes the rare moments when YOU get to witness something real, not via TV or the Internet, instead via life...  I got to witness a little exchange between husband and wife that was so natural and so real, I just had to blog about it.

The only advice I have after this adventure is this : Just be yourself (I know that sounds like a hallmark card, or at the very least a line from an ABC after school special).  Your marriage is going to have tiffs along the way, most of the time over stuff you do not even understand.  But those little tiffs just signify that you and your spouse are just trying to be heard by the other.  Your marriage is not in trouble because you fight, in fact the first sign of a marriage about to fail is that you do not fight.  Never hold stuff in, share your feelings (without name calling or abuse of course) even if it is hard, because each scar from a fight helps show that you are willing to suffer some wounds to make your marriage stronger.

"Whoa, TheHusBlog this post was great and all, but I do not see TheHusBlog Definition Pause I have come to know and love."  I hear you.  However the point of this post has already by made so I will do just a little bit of requesting if you do not mind.

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : A Request

• Keep sending emails to thehusblog@gmail.com  I have read and responded to each one, and I plan on continuing that trend.
• Comment for heaven's sake!  I know that I have page views, I see them(from around the world no less), but no one is commenting and would really love to know what you are thinking.
• Last but not least, keep reading.  Again, I know that I have page views, in fact more than I ever thought possible (smiley face), so I will keep up my routine of writing as long as you keep reading.

Well loyal readers, here we are again...  Money.  It makes the world go round, or is that love?  Hmmm must research that later.  Where was I?  Oh yes, money.  As a couple we all strive to be good with money and sometimes that works out, other times it is a complete disaster.  Two thrifty people together usually works, one plays off the other.  Two spendy (I know it is not a word but I like it) people together is usually a financial disaster but both people are oblivious until it is too late.  But the intermingling of the two is usually where you get all the drama.

The first line of defense to protect yourself from money woes is the dreaded "B" word.  Budget.  I cannot think of the word budget without reflecting back to ages 12 - 18.  Every year in January, my father would bring my mother, brother, and me into the office to review the family budget for that year.  He had graphs, tables, charts, and all manor of fancy graphics.  The presentation would take around 30 minutes with a brief Q&A session after. The only question I remember being asked was : "Are we done now?"

Creating a family/couple budget can be a huge help or hindrance depending on how it is done.  With most couples I have found, one person is the bill payer.  This person usually has a good idea as to how much money is available and how much is spoken for with bills, savings, etc.  However this person can sometimes be bad at sharing this information.  That is where the budget comes in.  A single source of record (apologies for the business speak) for all money.  There are of course some caveats to the budget...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Rules of a Budget

• Both Parties Should Have Input : You cannot just create a budget and expect it to be followed.  All parties must have their chance to speak up and be heard or else you are not creating a budget, you are creating a decree.
• The Budget Should Be Easy to Read/Understand : Maybe you have a PhD in Finance or are an excel guru, but keep in mind your audience.  If it takes 17 clicks of the mouse through four tabs to find out how much money is allotted for groceries then you have failed.
• Track Your Results in Small Increments : Once you create your budget at the end of each month you should sit down with your spouse and go over the results.  Did you stay in budget?  Did you go over?  If so, where? 
• Reward Good Money Management : I suggest creating a small buffer of cash at the end of each month, and if you stay in budget you should get to spend that small buffer on a nice dinner out or a small gift for each other.  Little rewards help keep you both on the same team and working for a tangible goal.

It seems so simple when I type it.  Just a friendly little post on a budget.  But in truth the Budget is a challenge.  You probably aren't going to get it right the first time, second time, or even the third.  Then even when you do get it right, life is going to creep in and blow it out of the water with unexpected medical bills, car repairs, and holidays.  The real key, as with anything, is to keep working at it.  Hell, with my wife in school our budget has been blown up more times then I can count, but we keep working at it.

Create a corner stone in your marriage around money.  It is definitely not the easiest topic to broach but a couple that is strong financially has more time and energy to devote to other activities.

-TheHusBlog

We all get to the point of our relationships where we want our partner to calm down or stop over-reacting.  Sometimes this happens when a chore has not been completed or a fight is brewing, but regardless of the scenario we all want our partners go to there happy place every now and again.

"Honey..."

• Calm Down : A true classic.  Calm down is used most often when someone is angry about something that really does not matter in the big picture.
• Relax : We have all seen our spouse starting to wind up.  Usually at the start of a fight, the jaw clenches, voice pitch gets higher, words start coming out faster...  "Relax" usually serves as a preemptive strike against further aggression. 
• Chill Out : Usually delivered in a matter of fact manor, chill out almost never helps, in fact usually it serves as a catalyst to the fight.
• Take It Down a Notch : This one usually is meant not to end a conflict, but slow it down.  Taking it down a notch indicates that you know the other party is angry, but you want them to be a little less angry.
• Bring it down from Def-Con 5 : During the big fights you might want your partner to calm down to at least one step below total Nuclear War...