Before I get started let me first say that if you found this post searching for "How to bleach my asshole" you are probably not going to find what you are looking for, but seriously keep reading you might enjoy it.

"Okay TheHusBlog, WTF!, asshole bleaching, really?!  I know you have a history of starting off on some weird tangent and then bringing it all together, but it is getting harder and harder to check your blog at work!  And what the hell is your real name... seriously!"

I know, I know...  Trust me I am an amateur(could not say professional here because, let's face it, nothing about what I write about is professional).

But I digress...  Bleaching one's poop shoot (better or worse than asshole?) is a relatively new thing which is basically what is sounds like.  The basic goal is to try to make your log layer (better or worse than poop shoot?) look as pristine as the day you were born.  I have no idea why one would desire their Hersey Highway (better or worse than log layer?) to look that way...  But after some thought, and a few drinks I could only think of a couple reasons :

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Reasons to get your Exit only hole (better or worse than Hersey Highway?) bleached

• You have a mad crush on your proctologyst(sp), proctalogyst(sp), procteligist(sp)...Butt Doctor (I really could have looked up how to spell that properly, but this seemed funnier) and want to show off.
• You signed up for the DVD/Blu-Ray package for your colonoscopy and want to show it to the grand kids one day.
• You had some extra bleach laying around and thought, "now where can I put that?"
• What if I am in a horrible accident tomorrow and the paramedics see my unsightly tunnel of crud (better or worse than exit only hole?).
• You are only concerned with parts of your body you cannot see without  strategic use multiple mirrors.

Hi Everyone,

  I was just going through old posts and I realized my first post was on 1-26-11 which means I have been at this blog for over 7 months now!  I started this project as a chance to share my thoughts, research, and opinions on marriage.  I really wanted this site to be funny first and informative second and I think I have at least achieved my first goal.

  I wanted to thank you, the reader.  It means a lot to me to think that out in cyberspace there are other people reading what I have to say(type?).  I do not have a massive following but I do have readers from around the world which is a little bit humbling...  Not to mention the fine Nigerian fellows whom I am sheltering some money for.  So thank you for reading, I do hope that you will come back and read more each and every Wednesday and Saturday as I have a pretty good track record of staying on schedule if I do say so myself.

  And for a shameless plug you can feel free to follow me on twitter(@thehusblog), but I will warn you, my tweets are not really all about marriage, in fact most of them are random thoughts that strike me in the moment and to be honest most of them involve swearing or bad grammar...

Thank You From The Bottom Of My Heart (TYFTBOMH to my texting friends),

-TheHusBlog

ps : I know I keep this blog separate from my "real" identity so I feel in my thank you I should give a little bit of details about myself that I am sure you will not care about...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause (yeah I just did that!) : Little Known Facts About TheHusBlog

• I work in Technology, specifically databases
• I live in Texas
• I am a HUGE fan of the game Minecraft
• I love Sci-fi
• I quit smoking over 2 years ago using Electronic Cigarettes (that is going to have to a huge post for another day)
• My first name begins with the letter...  Wait, I have got to keep some mystery! 

I was thinking other day about all the things my wife and I are going to get to do when she done with her graduate program.  But you know how my mind works, suddenly I was meandering down a thought process of what are the things that sound like fun but would actually be wrought(seriously excited I got to use that word) with drama...

• Cook Together : I know there are some couples that flow through the kitchen together as if they are dancing an elaborate tango, but to be honest most of us aren't going to be that good.  What you can hope for instead is one person cooking and the other helping with little chores like chopping veggies or doing the dishes afterwards...  
• Play Matchmaker Together : Seriously, do I even need to go here.  I know once you become a couple you want other couple friends and sometimes you get the idea that you each have a friend that would be perfect for the other's friend but this crap can and will always back fire.  Leave the match-making to the professionals, match.com and that lady who has a reality tv show... Or Oprah.
• Do It Yourself : Home Improvement is 2nd only to extramarital affairs when it comes to causes of divorce.  (The stat referenced before has no basis in truth other than my own opinion).   I know there are couples out there that live on dreams and poop rainbows, but here in reality DIY jobs are hard and everything from putting up a fence to painting a room can become a land mine of conflict.  Instead decide that one of you two will be the person executing the task while the other can give input or help out a little.  

Most marriage experts often say : "Conflict is a good thing, it allows for communication and growth."  Growth is really painful through confrontation to say the least.  In my last post about Confrontation I focused on small things, but what do you do about the big things?

A fight with your wife about your Mother in Law coming to Christmas dinner is a small thing.  Deciding to move to another state is a big thing.  A fight about buying a new TV is a small thing.  Deciding on a long term Budget is a big thing...  And the list could go on.  Dealing with the small problems in a marriage can be taxing but most of the time they correct themselves with just a little help from you both.  But the big life changing decisions require a different set of tools.

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Rules for the Big Things

• Don't Head Her Off at the Pass : When a topic that comes up makes you immediately uncomfortable the first instinct is to lash out with something that will make that conversation stop.  Instead of saying the first thing that comes to mind, take a second and pause.
• Ask Why : This issue might make you uncomfortable, but get to root of it to ask why this particular action is important.  Sometimes the issue is not the issue.  You wife wants to down size so that you can pay down debt faster.  This might make you angry because you like your lifestyle as it is...  Ask her why, maybe her parents were bad with money and a lot of debt makes her nervous, or maybe she wants to start a family soon.  Either way, why she is suggesting the action is way more important than the action itself.
• Use Logic AND Emotion : Any argument can usually be won by applying strict logic OR emotion.  The key is to use both.  Talk about the pros and cons, but also be open to the feelings about it.  
• Don't Try to Solve It in 1 Night : Big decisions take time, so use it wisely.  Don't obsess or set unrealistic time tables to come to a decision, really think about it, and really talk about it.  That doesn't mean hide from it either.
• Have A Pause Button : Do not let every word to one another be about the issue.  Remember to enjoy time together and pause when the discussion gets too heated or is just going in circles.  You are two grown adults, you can sometimes ignore the elephant in the room to take in other sights.
• Come to a decision together, mean it, and act on it :  Once you both decide what is best figure out what the next steps are and start doing them.  

The Big Things are the hardest to over come because they change the direction of your lives together.  It is really important to remember that it is changing BOTH of your lives.  Do not focus on what YOU are giving up...  Focus on what you BOTH are gaining.

Okay first I need you to read this : Click Here-ish.  Don't worry I will wait.

Need to figure out how to insert the Final Jeopardy music here...

This article, from the Times of India (yes, the India that created the Kamasutra, you know the people who invented interesting sex) basically suggests two major things:

1. You should have sex three times a week to increase fitness and burn calories.
2. If you are working out, jogging, walking, etc, that makes sex better.

*Note from TheHusBlog : I wrote this a couple nights ago and I just returned to re-read it before setting it to post and I have to say it is a little personal.  Honestly, I would say it feels like it fits more in line with a Husband Trials post, but there are bullet points and there is a over-riding theme, so I am going to keep it as a guide.  Just keep in mind as you read it.*

When my wife and I first started dating we took tons of pictures.  Some of them contained shots of us hanging out with friends, or out for a night on the town, however some of them were more about us, pictures of us in our pj's sitting on the couch or hanging out watching tv.  We decided to create a scrapbook of those simple memories (ok some of the pictures are a little naughty, don't judge!).  While cleaning out my office closet I came across this scrapbook and I immediately stopped what I was doing to turn the pages and remember those times.

It was trip down memory lane, sure the pictures are only from a few years ago, but I had lost the memories to the hectic lifestyle of our time now.  Each picture reminded me of a time when we really just enjoyed each other's company...

The truth of the matter is, you do not have to have a scrapbook to remember some of your best memories, but it does help...

TheHusBlog Defintion Pause : What You Need to Remember in your Mental Scrapbook :

• First Kiss : That one is easy, the night my wife and I met at "The Blue Goose".  We were out on the patio and I kept buying her shots of Tuaca, in hopes that she would get drunk enough to accept my advances...
• First Visit : (My wife and I started our relationship long distance) : I got to the airport an hour early to greet her so that once she got to baggage claim she would see me.  She wore green which did and still does make her eyes look amazing.
• First Conflict : In the car, of course, when I did not know where I was going and got snippy...  Also the first time she saw me as human and not perfect...
• First Time I Said I Love You : I was hosting a party for her friends, we were all totally drunk and I said "I love You!!!" Loudly and proudly because she told me she was waiting for me to say it first, I was shocked she was concerned I would not return the feeling because I did and still do, feel like she is too good for me...
• Best wedding Picture Ever! : I was supposed to lay my head on my wife's lap in some sort of longing, gazing pose, I did not understand the photographer's commands, so I put my head on her lap and then put two thumbs up...  She laughed, it is my favorite wedding picture.
• First Time I Took Her Side Above All Others : My grandmother said something to my wife that made her feel "less than."  I got angry for her and burned a bridge with my family that is still healing.  I would not take that back for the world.
• First Lie : I tried to quit smoking and then hid my smoking from my wife for several months...
• Longest Time Without a Cigarette : With her encouragement I kicked the habit for several years now...
• First Health Conflict : I needed to be on medication for my blood pressure and fought it over and over again...  She never gave up, I succumbed, and now I might live long enough to enjoy retirement.

So I just woke up where I had a dream that first I was totally freaking out because I could not make a flight because I could not figure out the airport code on my ticket, then the dream morphed to where I was floating in space with four other random people...  We decided that if we all laughed it would provide oxygen to the one guy we all wanted to live so we died laughing in space for the sake of some stranger who transformed into the Predator after we died.

So I given this some thought as to what all this means...

1.)  Couldn't find the airport is totally related to my fears of being unprepared in life and a general statement to my level of anxiety around such things.
2.)  The second part with space and the Predator is totally related to a latent psychic ability which means the aliens are coming and they probably think I am funny, after they take over the world I will more than likely be given some high position of honor similar to Court Jester...  Or if our invaders take us over I will be spared because I taste funny...  Either way I feel like in case of alien invasion I am okay.

Sidenote (aka "What The Fuck is This Post?") - Occasionally I have funny little notes that I want to write that really do not fit into this blog's theme.  Instead of suppressing them (which I have been, causing me to shout out strange things in elevators, like "Aliens think I taste funny", or "Burgers with onion rings on them are the greatest invention since stuffed crust pizza") I have decided to share them...

If you hate these types of posts please feel free to ignore them or be like the one strange guy who keeps sending me emails of Star Trek homoerotic cross over fan fiction and send me emails having nothing to do with what I write and confuse the hell out of me...

PS : To the guy who keeps send me fan fiction...  Your knowledge of Riker's beard is both disturbing and fascinating...

PPS : Really, no one is sending me Star Trek homoerotic fan fiction, it just seemed like a funny thing to say...

PPPS : Please do not send me Star Trek homoerotic fan fiction because now you think it is funny...

PPPPS : Okay, it would be funny...

-TheHusBlog

So I was thinking the other day about the differences between my wife and I.  These thoughts naturally made me laugh as I was thinking about the different ideas and ideals we have about life in general.  So naturally I thought I should write this down...

Reality TV Show

• Man : Husbands switch out their wives for one week with a bikini model
• Woman : Wives switch out their husbands for a handyman

Computers process at different speeds depending on the chip in them.  People can be the same way.  In the midst of a fight certain people could take in all the information and be ready to go at it, while others need a few moments to compose their thoughts, and still others might need to sleep on it.  Now to further enrich the already weak metaphor, computers also cool down at different speeds depending on their fan.  People can be the same way, some cool off quickly, while others need some time to cool down.

I know what you are thinking, "TheHusBlog, your intro paragraph is a little convoluted."  Or you are thinking, "Hey TheHusblog, look, I used convoluted correctly, don't you want to tell me your real name now, or at least ask me to join your google+ circle?"  I know, I know, the intro is a little convoluted but from humble beginnings... (not sure what the end of that little truism is, but I will distract you with...)

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Processing Speed vs. Cool Down Period

• Fast Processing + Fast Cool Down : Quick to judgement, and quick to forgive, this type of speed can be hard to keep up with...  One moment you are mortal enemies, the other you are snuggling on the couch planning your next romantic get away.
• Fast Processing + Slow Cool Down :  Quick to anger but slow to cool, this is a hard one.  Fights with a person like this often just need a break.  Make your point, then take a break so that each person can cool off.
• Slow Processing + Fast Cool Down : Everything seems fine, but then drama!  (Pretend I said drama at the same time as pillars of flames erupted around this post, more dramatic that way).  This is a hard one because you might have talked out an issue, then all of a sudden you are in trouble for something you thought was resolved, then just as you understand you are in trouble, you are forgiven...  Just prepared to say WTF a lot. 
• Slow Processing + Slow Cool Down : Much like a steam locomotive from the 1930's (I know, first I start with a computer metaphor, then an old school train metaphor...I hate myself too) this type of person is easy to predict but hard to convince.  Slow processing is good in a sense because you can follow the "train of logic" (see what I did there) but because of the slow cool down it can be hard to deal with the after effects.  

I read about marriage regularly, follow blogs about marriage, and reflect on my own marriage all the time.  I studied psychology in college and ended up working in technology ( that is a long story for another day).  Because of my background I am analytic by my very nature and enjoy breaking down situations into easy to understand facts.

Sometimes my posts are a long meandering path hoping to shed light on a little issue and others are a sharp drop into a chasm (seriously, tried to spell that 3 different ways before I got it right) of honesty.  My subjects vary from the poignant (why am I choosing hard to spell words in this post) to the ridiculous.

But this post is different, this post provides a great secret to marriage that I believe is CRITICAL.  It started with a post on Marriage Gems, which is a blog I love.  Before I continue you have to read the post that inspired me :
 Click Here-ish

The whole post is good, however three words stuck with me and I cannot get them out of my head.

"Presume the best"

We have to treat our spouses in a way that reflects the choice we made to be with them till death do us part.

I am going to stop for a second here.  Please take a moment and read the two lines above.  Have you done that?  Have you taken that in?

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Presume the best and what it means

• Benefit of the doubt : When you presume the best of your spouse you understand that she/he does things with the best of intentions.  Not all plans work out, but when you presume the best you are telling your partner that you assume they tried.
• Forgiving bad word-smithing : Not everyone can be Shakespeare.  Sometimes we say something that sounds dumb or cruel not meaning to.  When you presume the best you give your partner a chance to re-phrase something that came out wrong.
• Understanding : Your spouse is not perfect all the time, hell, neither are you.  When you presume the best you are committing to understand all that is going on in your spouse's life, not just what is happening right now.  If your spouse is cold or stand offish it might not have anything to do with you.  So rather than being hurt, you take the time to figure out what is wrong in a caring and non-judgmental way.

My wife and went out to dinner the other night at a restaurant she has been wanting to go to for several months.  She was very excited and I was happy to take her somewhere she had been wanting to go.  We got to the restaurant with no problems and were promptly seated.  Everything was going well, our appetizer arrived and it was just okay, our soup and salad came and it wasn't that good.  We were undaunted(mental note : use that word more often, sounds awesome).   The main course arrived and it was incredible.  Both her's and mine were delicious and we both stopped talking for few moments just to enjoy our meal.  She insisted that her's was better than mine, I disagreed, which was a sign that we ordered the right things.

We were now invigorated by our awesome main course that we had forgotten about the average appetizer and bad soup and salad.  We ordered some dessert.  While waiting for the dessert (which took too long to arrive) we started to notice that our chairs were uncomfortable.  We noticed that our table was in kind of crappy location.  We noticed that our waiter had just been sat with a big top and had no time for us.  All these things were noticed because we wanted some dessert and had to wait over 20 minutes for it.  We passed the time by talking and enjoying each other's company but each moment was another strike against the restaurant.  Dessert finally arrived and after we had a bite of each (hell yes, we ordered two desserts to share..) we decided that the desserts in fact, sucked.

Let's be honest a bad meal at a restaurant is going to happen, it is not the end of the world.  But you know how I like to relate everyday situations to marriage so this seemed perfect.  So what this means is that...  Wait a minute, I am getting ahead of myself.  How about a TheHusBlog definition pause?  That should totally go here :

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Stages of an Event

• The Beginning : No matter where you are or what you are doing, the beginning of an event is always the most awkward.  You have to figure out where to go and what exactly to do, it takes a little bit of time to get situated.
• The Middle : This is the easy part.  You should be settled and just enjoying the event.  Minor tweaks might need to made here and there but for the most part you should be coasting.
• The End :  The end is the most important part.  Rarely do people remember how something started, but they always remember how it ended.  Sure, many a funny story has been told starting with strife and ending with triumph, but the important part is always at the end.

-TheHusBlog