To be subtitled purses and televisions.

So my wife and I were having a quiet conversation right before going to bed.  We usually have our best chats laying (lying?) in bed right before we fall asleep.  The subject centered around my parent's new HD TV.  I was telling her how awesome the picture was and asking her if she noticed the difference between the picture of their TV and ours.  (I know that you know where I am going but don't jump ahead...  live in the moment).  So here is an excerpt from our little late night convo :

WIFE : Sure the picture is nice, but there is nothing wrong with our TV.

THEHUSBLOG : But our tv is early generation HD so the picture quality is not as good, and we only have two HDMI ports, so at most on that tv we could only put cable and a blu-ray player.

WIFE : (totally ignoring my point) I just can't justify spending that much on a TV.

THEHUSBLOG : What about purses?

WIFE : Wait a minute, my purses are not nearly as expensive as a TV!

THEHUSBLOG : But we are talking about one tv and you have literally dozens of purses.

WIFE : So? (seriously at this point in the conversation I could feel my wife cross her arms in a defensive posture in bed)

THEHUSBLOG : Here's the deal.  You like purse, you like shoes and that is totally cool with me.  You like what you like and you want what you want and I never stand in the way of that.  If you want a purse and we have the money you do not have to justify that to me.  It is something you want and it makes you happy so who am I to stand in your way?

WIFE : That all sounds well and good but my purses are only a couple hundred dollars (remember we don't have kids so we can use terms like only a couple hundred dollars) and the TV is over a thousand.

THEHUSBLOG : But if I save up my own money, and buy a TV with cash that is only mine (we give each other a small amount per paycheck as personal money) I would still have to justify it to you.

WIFE : You are so right honey you win the argument, you are so wise and sexy...  (okay she didn't say that.  Instead she let out a noise letting me know that she was done talking about HD TVs for the night)

We all value different things.  In marketing it is called the "Utility of a product."  When someone tries to sell you a slap chop, they are not selling you a cheap plastic piece of crap that cuts things.  They are selling you time.  Time you will save chopping your hard boiled egg for salad, or nuts for your homemade sundaes.  To my wife a purse is not just a bag of leather that holds things, it is an accessory that complements her outfit or shows a little of her sassy personality.

To me a HD TV is a great way to unwind.  I don't want to just watch TV, I want to escape to world where a serial killer who kills other killers is a good guy(Dexter), or watch Stranger Than Fiction(one of my all time favorite movies) in crazy High Definition.  To me a thousand dollars broken out over the hours and hours of TV that I will enjoy is only pennies a day.

So next time your spouse wants to spend money on something that you think is stupid.  Take a second and try to see the utility through their eyes.  We don't have to completely understand all the wants and needs of our significant others but we do have to respect them...

-TheHusBlog

ps : Sorry this is a little late

pps : This also marks my first Husband's Guide post without a definition pause, I will do better next time.

Over-Nicing(verb) : The act of being overly nice to people around you while you and your wife are having a fight.

"We were fighting about money during and we totally over-niced the waiter each time he came over to see if we needed anything."

"Till death do us part" really does not convey all that a marriage should encompass.  Marriage is not a set of rules or laws that should be followed.  Marriage is a conviction, a passion to see something through...  Take some time to think about the contract you would like to forge with your spouse.  Think about the things that are important to you and then create something that binds.  Something that shows you not only care about each other, but you know each other...  Here is my list (you can totally steal some of my things below, you have my permission). :

Things in my Marriage Contract

• I swear to side with you : It can sometimes feel like the whole world is out to get you, often times the best feeling in the world is to know that someone is in your corner.
• I swear to not be a douche : You know the best ways to get under your partner's skin, promise to not use them, even when it would be funny.
• I swear to take care of myself : Your life no longer belongs to you when you get married, it belongs to your spouse.  Take care of yourself with the same care you would want her to care for herself.
• I swear to never let my pride ruin us : Pride is probably the one thing that can cause more conflict than anything else.

As you know I was out and about in AZ this week for my cousin's wedding.  First of all the wedding was awesome, the resort was awesome, and it was great to see family that I had not seen in years.  There was one cousin that I had not seen since she was 7 and I was like 11 so we had not connected in over 20 years.  Let's call this cousin LongLostCousinofTheHusBlog(LLCTHB for short).  Well, her and I were hanging out with her boyfriend and my wife during a meet and greet reception.  It turns out that she has two things that she loves, taking pictures and drinking scotch.

During the meet and greet random family members were commanded to smile for pictures and LLCTHB was constantly telling everyone that her camera automatically airbushed everyone.  The more she drank the more pictures she took...  Well after the reception some of us headed down to the resort bar for some more drinks.  When we got down there we all started ordering drinks and our waitress told LLCTHB that she was uncomfortable serving her because she was totally drunk.  I would have been mortified but LLCTHB took it all in drunken stride and said, "that's cool, just give me a water then". (slurs admitted for brevity)

Now here is a breakdown of what I did

• During the whole evening I was constantly apologizing to our waitress when LLCTHB would try to order an alcoholic beverage every time the waitress came over.  I was telling LLCTHB to go up to bed and she was telling me over and over again that she was fine, and then would proceed to try to get others at our table to order her a drink.

Now here is a breakdown of what my wife did

• Every time that LLCTHB would look like she was ready to fall asleep in our chair she would shout, "hey LLCTHB take a picture!"  And she f-ing would.  

Moral of the story.  I spent the evening trying to smooth over my drunken cousin's behavior with everyone and my wife just decided to totally fuck with her...

Guess who had more fun?

-TheHusBlog

So I was gone for a while and I did not check the site for the few days I was in AZ for a wedding.  Upon my return I see several comments from Hilary on various postings of mine.  All of them include a signature for an e-cigarette site, that in my opinion is peddling crap.  I commented back on two of the comments then removed them because I felt I was being mean.  So I am left with two options when it comes to Hilary :

1. Hilary honestly reads the blog and wanted to comment and happened to put an e-cigarette review site in her signature because she genuinely believes in their products and wants to promote them.
2. Hilary spammed the hell out of my blog because of one mention of e-cigarettes and is only seeking more clicks to her site.

So I am a little bit late today on my post but I assure you I have a good reason.  I am traveling with my wife to one of my favorite cousin's weddings.  This wedding is taking place at the Ritz-Carlton in Tucson, AZ and we just got here.  And me, being the loyal blogger that I am, is stopping enjoying this beautiful place to write up a quick blog.  But first here is the view from our room :



Hopefully now you will be able to forgive me for being late and not doing a full post.  I promise to cover more on weddings in another post.

-TheHusBlog

The wife and I have been debating our a move lately.  If you have been reading you will know it is a choice between staying here, which is good for my career, and moving which would be a great job for her.  The debate finally came a close two nights ago while we were laying* in bed talking.

WIFEY : So I guess we are staying here then

THEHUSBLOG : Baby, that is great.  I think you will see that with my income and your income we can really start to have a comfortable life and pay down debt and....

WIFEY : Yeah, you just need to say thank you

THEHUSBLOG : Well of course thank you, but I want you to know that you can have final say in any new furniture we buy.

WIFEY : I already have that

THEHUSBLOG :  You're going to use this to your advantage multiple times in the future aren't you

WIFEY : Yep.

And there you have it.  A debate between the two of us talked about, fought about, thought about, for months just ended, with not a bang but a quiet conversation while laying* in bed.  It just goes to show that throughout everything, all the challenges and all the fights sometimes two people just cut through it all to make a decision. And I am sure that my wife will use this to her advantage in the future but I respect her enough to know that if the tables were turned, I would do the same thing...  LOL.  Love ya babe

-TheHusBlog

* I really don't know if it is laying or lying or some other word but I am sure you get what I meant

My wife and I have been locked in a long battle over moving.  She is about to graduate with her CRNA degree and as such she is searching for a new job.  My career has been providing income for the past 3 years and while she was going to school and not around as much I told her I would be focusing on my career to help get us through.  As such I went from 75K to almost 90K in the past three years, granted this has been hard on me but it has been well worth it to help not only support my wife's schooling, but also allow me to buy some cool new toys...

The battle we are in centers around a GREAT job offer for her in a completely different city three hours away from where we live now, versus a OK job in the city we live in now.  If she takes the GREAT job we have to move and while I have been searching, I have not found anything in the new city yet.  The new city does have opportunity, but I just haven't found a fit yet.  The GREAT job is less pay for her than the OK job, but it provides a good work life balance and she loves the people she would work with.  The OK job is more money but would cause her to work overtime and weekends with some people she likes, and other people she downright loathes...

The OK job would allow me to stay at my current company where I am well thought of and have good promotion potential.  The GREAT job shows no prospects now...

The battle we are in is all about what is best for US.  We went to workout this morning and the drive to the gym was quiet and tense due to a fight the night before.  We went to spin class and had a good workout, then we got in the car and after about 2 minutes of tense silence my wife and I started fighting.  It got heated, raised voices and dare I say some hurtful comments on both parties.  She was saying that I was never excited for her opportunities, and I was saying no matter how hard I tried to adapt it was never good enough for her...  As we got closer to home we both realized that we were fighting for the same outcome, "something beneficial for both of us."  We both wanted the same thing but we were fighting because neither party felt understood and validated...

We got home and I was hungry (spoiler alert, the Nacho part of this blog post is coming up).  So I put some chips and cheese and taco meat (from the tacos the night before that I had refrigerated) on a plate and microwaved them.  I brought the heaping pile of cheesy, meaty, goodness to the table with some salsa on the side and motioned for her to join me...

And we ate.  And we talked.  The truth of the matter was, she was just as stressed out as I was and felt like I did not understand her.  And I was just as stressed as she was and felt like she did not understand me.  So we ate some nachos and figured out what our options really were...

The hardest part was being able to say the hard truths about how we felt.  When you love you partner and care about their happiness, sometimes you can instinctively try to shield them from things they might not like, especially when it is something that you are trying to correct yourself.  I had to tell her that I thought I had opportunity in the city with the GREAT job, but I was really scared and discouraged after months of searching and applying and not a single call back.  She was feeling really insecure because many other people in her graduating class already had multiple offers and she just had two.

Most fights are really a result of a breakdown in communication rather than some fundamental flaw.  There have been many times where both my wife and I have been saying the same thing but with different words and the understanding was not there.  That is the great thing about a "Nacho Summit".  We took a few moments to compose ourselves and each person spoke while the other was chewing...  This allowed both parties to speak without interruption, and because we were both eating from the same plate we had to stay close to one another.

So next time you and your significant other are in a fight, maybe cook up a plate of nachos...  Maybe some chips, cheese, and beef can be more than the sum of their parts, they could be a communication tool.

And even if the Nachos do not create the open communication that you are looking for, at least you won't be hungry.

-TheHusBlog

The first list was so much fun to write that wanted to try it again.  This time I googled famous books and I am closing my eyes and randomly picking titles based on where I scroll to with my eyes closed...  This is going to be interesting.

• Married Catch-22 : Rather than being about a pilot in World War 2 who tries to get out of more missions using an impossible to utilize rule, it is about a husband who tries (over the course of 16 chapters) to get his wife to let him go to a strip club with his buddies for bachelor party.  She finally allows him if only he promises to go wearing a blindfold...
• Great Expectations of Married Men : Rather than a book, this is actually a pamphlet with the words on one side, "A Husband expects regular sex after marriage."  On the other side is a picture of a woman laughing with the words "Take out the damn trash."
•  Brideshead Revisited : I want to make a joke about how little oral sex you get after marriage, but it is too easy so I am going to drop this one...
• Crime and Punishment in Marriage : A 28 volume series detailing all the things that a man could do wrong and the punishments possible.  The last 2 pages in volume 28 deal with what a woman could do wrong...