This post comes from Kat over at Evil Genius Think Tank, which is by the by the best blog name ever.  She is a very funny lady who often waxes intellectual over things that most people know nothing about.

Jonah is one of the most thought provoking writers I have stumbled upon.  His blog, Days of Living Aimlessly is worth a visit for the wit, honestly, and humor he has to share.  He, has on more than one occasion made me stop and re-examine some of my own opinions and beliefs.  I am privileged to be hosting a guest post from him, so without further ado...



Ernest Hemmingway once quipped, "A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book." I feel like I'm getting close. What I don't know is, when I tip over into the territory of 'enough punishment', does what I've written to that point suddenly become funny or is it rather that what I write after that will be funny. I need to know because, being probably just a few days away from 'enough punishment', if it turns out to be the latter, I should quit writing now and begin again when I'm finally amusing.

[pause for amusement]

Being jobless, impoverished, and uninsured, I have a lot of bad days, the kind of days that test my faith and tempt me to throw in the towel. I keep hoping I'll make my way out of the woods, but instead I seem to be getting in deeper. I've been so deep in the woods for so long that I'm beginning to smell like pine straw and humus.

Humus, of course, has the same Latin root as humor, which fact prompted me, in fact, to think that I must be getting close to a breakthrough in the laugh department. You know...because I already smell funny. Who knew that wearing the same pair of pants every day for 6 months running would pay off?

Humus is not dirt exactly. It is organic material that becomes a component of dirt. It is compost. It is not to be confused with hummus, that occasionally palatable concoction of pureed chick peas, olive oil, and garlic that Mediterranean folk like to spread on their flat bread. Of course if you throw hummus in the back yard, as I have been tempted to do on more than a few occasions, it will eventually yield up one of its Ms and become humus. Often as not this would be an improvement.

Now, having thoroughly disparaged hummus for it's philosophical proximity to humus, I have to say that I am quite fond of cabernet sauvignon, which, in the vintages that most appeal to me, is also very close to humus. As my wife would say, 'it tastes like dirt.' Not all cabernets taste like dirt, of course, only the really good ones, the ones hoity toity wine critics would say contain notes of oak bark, berries, chocolate, and earth. It's the earth notes that make it a cabernet.

I often wonder how wine critics know how earth and oak bark taste. I also wonder how, since they seem to like the flavor of humus so much, they still manage to take themselves so seriously. I mean, seriously, did you ever meet a wine critic with a sense of humor? They may be acerbic wits, but they are almost never LMAO funny no matter how much dirt they have ingested. I think this is because, like me, they enjoy the taste of it, the dirt that is, at least when it's nicely wrapped in a robust red wine. Enjoying the punishment doesn't count. Masochists don't get a pass because they enjoy the suffering. Enjoying the pain makes it something other than suffering and does not therefore fortify the funny bone.

Humus notwithstanding, it's the enjoyment of earthy wine that squirrels the deal and knocks you off the path to humor. If you want to be funny, according to Pappa, you must take your punishment. You've got to suffer for your art. You can't cruise through life swilling wine and hope to ever become amusing. You may think that you have become amusing. You may think that you are in fact hilarious, but anyone who has ever served as a designated driver will attest that this is just not true. It doesn't matter how much your beverage of choice tastes like it's been steeped in stuff that was scraped up off the forest floor.

This might explain why Hemmingway, who was not afraid to speculate on what might be required to write a really funny book, never actually wrote one.

Happy Leap Blog Day.  I was asked by Andrea over at Maybe It's Just Me to do a guest post.  She writes a great blog and is well worth checking out.  She has a wonderful conversational style of writing that makes you feel right at home and want to stay around awhile.

-TheHusBlog

So I am going to again fore go a standard post to again wax intellectual about random topics again...  Look, I used interesting words and ruined a perfectly good sentence by inserting again three times.  Really don't have a point about that, just wanted to call it out.

I am getting very excited about leap blog day, the guest posters I have lined up will provided truly awesome content which will elevate the intellect of my blog while simultaneously making me look like a hack, I choose to celebrate the former and not the latter.

As I write this I am looking around at my bare office, which only has the most essential of items, the rest packed away in boxes, which makes me think maybe I have too much stuff.  However then I think about my Lego White House which is already covered in newspaper, tucked away in a box labeled "Office, Fragile", that I realize I am truly blessed.  It is not really the objects I have packed away but the memories they conjure.  The White House Lego set was a gift from my brother and each time I looked at it I was reminded of him.  The quartz bookends I packed away reminded me of a time when my wife was in Austin for a rotation and I insisted upon visiting Inner Space Caverns.  We had a great time just going on a stupid cave tour.  Two swords, made by an old friend's deceased father, that she gave me, because she knew her father would appreciate the swords being in the hands of a collector.  A coin jar, made by another friend's mother, which has always been displayed prominently since receiving it.  The items are important to me, but their real value is in the memories and friendships they represent.

When I was packing things away, the only things that mattered, had meaning.  As I worked through closets, rooms, and drawers, meaning was what lead me to keep things.  If it had no meaning it was quickly sorted into the donate or throw away piles.  Several of the bloggers I read are in the habit of recounting things they are thankful for.  As I look around I am thankful for 1 thing...  My life.  It is good, it is full, and while I do not feel I deserve the blessings I have, I will be thankful for them and hope they continue...

-TheHusBlog

PS : I do have batteries charging right now for my electronic cigarettes, which I will blog about another time.  Unfortunately, I named the post before I realized how poignant it was ending on moving story.  But because I have to create order from chaos I felt the need to qualify the last item in the blog name.  Damn my attention to detail...

So here is the deal, I started writing a post a couple days ago and I was all set to put the finishing touches and post it.  Well I re-read the post and decided to sit on it a couple more days, not to say it is a bad post but it did seem kind of controversial.

That being said, I have been wanting to write a post on the Paleo Diet for some time and now seemed like the "write" time...  Dammit, a pun already and I haven't even been drinking.  Okay let's move on...

Please keep in mind the caveat of this blog, I am in no way, shape, or form an expert on anything.  This is just my perspective, please seek out much more information before doing anything contained in this post.

I have been part time paleo for the better part of a month.  I say "part time" because it sounds way better than I cheat.  The Paleo Diet is all about eating the way we did for hundreds of years, before the advent of modern agriculture.  You get to eat lots of fruits, veggies, nuts, and meat.  What you do not get to eat is gluten, grains, sugar, or unnatural products.  My wife's father has a gluten allergy.  Lately my wife has been noticing if she eats too much bread she feels crappy afterwards.  Because of this she decided to try the Paleo Diet.  Being the good and supportive husband I am, I decided I would too.

Let me just say the key to this diet is prepare, prepare, prepare.  There are a ton of blogs will all kinds of awesome recipes, but to really set yourself up for success you need to cook a bunch of food for the week.  Typically I spend Sundays in the kitchen cooking up all kinds of awesome Paleo nom noms.  As with anything we have discovered some amazing food and some not so amazing food.  In fact to date every single Paleo Pizza we have tried to make has ended in disaster...  Seriously the dough from one recipe was so nasty and hard I had to just throw away the pan.

However we have successfully made brownies, meatloaf, stuffed peppers, broccoli fritters (which get made every weekend), and all kinds of other awesome stuff.  I do notice that feel better after a Paleo meal.  I have more energy and never feel stuffed.  All in all I have been very happy with the diet.  My wife has also really enjoyed eating Paleo and she has lost weight at a very good clip.

If you are going to look into this one word of caution.  There are people who are Paleo Purists.  They can be very extreme and might make you want to run for the hills.  These people eat steak and handful of almonds and call it a night.  I am more of the exploratory Paleo person.  Meaning, what interesting things can I make with what is available.  You can use things like coconut flour and have a little bit of cheese here and there.  If you are truly interested below are some Paleo blogs of note that I have gotten all kinds of recipes and information from...

http://paleomg.com/

http://civilizedcavemancooking.com/

-TheHusBlog

Okay guys it is time to get real.  This post is about you.  This post is about how attractive you are.  Maybe I need to think about my lead in a little bit more.  Oh well, no time, let's move on to content.

Guys, you have probably let yourself go.  If you haven't please feel free to stop reading now.  But more than likely you are not in the same shape you were when you met and courted your wife.  I am not saying this to be mean but you and I need to have some tough talk.  You need to take care of yourself as you get older, age, mature.  This is important for two reasons.  Which means it is time for...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Two Reasons While You Need to Take Care of Yourself

Wait, wait.  Hold on a minute.  There is absolutely no reason to do a TheHusBlog Definition Pause for two things.  Come on, Man, Really?!


Valid point.  So the two reasons are : 1.) To live a longer life.  2.)  To be attractive to the wife.

You were really going to stretch that into TheHusBlog Definition Pause, man you are getting lazy.  

I really need to stop talking, writing to myself, mainly because I can be mean.

In our society there is often talk of the wife letting herself go...  To be honest from what I see from my friends, it is actually the husband who lets himself go.  This has to stop.  I need my husbands out there to take care of themselves and this does not mean you need to crazy and have a spa day or go to the gym for 10 hours a day and just eat raw veggies.  But there are a few really simple things you should be doing to be a good and attractive husband to your wife.

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : The Little Things to Accessorize Your Attractiveness

• Work out : Yes you should get some physical activity.  That doesn't mean run out, join a gym, hire a personal trainer and go nuts.  Just taking a couple 30 minute walks during the week a brisk pace will help keep you in shape and make you feel better.
• "Engaged Eating" : This is term I have made up to help correct some bad habits I have.  Engaged Eating means you make a meal about time with you and your spouse.  With the busy lives we all have we can sometimes fly through a meal with our spouse and not really connect.  Engaged Eating has a couple simple rules to combat this trend.  Rule 1 : Order something you do not have to take big bites of and does require a fork and/or knife.  Save the cheeseburgers and ribs for having a meal with your guy friends.  I have, to date, never seen anyone look attractive taking a big old bite of a burger or with a mouth covered in BBQ sauce.  Rule 2 : Talk, Ask, Chew.  Meals get into a really good rhythm when you ask a question, then take a bite and chew while the other person responds.  Eating, especially between couples should be a social affair.  Nothing is more annoying than eating a nice meal out and not actually connecting.  Rule 3 : Slow it down.  It's not like you get the meal for free if you manage to eat it in under 30 seconds.  Take the time to connect throughout the meal and pace yourself.
• Clip your toenails! : I have several female friends and one of their number one complaints is getting scratched to hell from jagged toe nails.  Men, overall, do not take good care of their feet.  Trim those toes up!  I actually go out and get a pedicure with one of my best guy friends once every two months.  We get a pedicure, then go out and eat some very unhealthy mexican food, it is awesome.  
• Smell Good : Okay guys, let's get real.  It is important to keep clean and smell good.  That doesn't mean you have to go out and buy expensive cologne, but maybe it is time to change your soap or deodorant choice at least.  If when you get out of the shower your wife does not compliment how good you smell, it might be time to change it up.  
• Be groomed : If your wife complains that your face is scratchy, then shave more often.  You are far more likely to get kissed if your wife does not suffer from road rash each time she tries to peck your cheek.  And without getting too graphic you also might want to do some man-scaping.  Meaning if you are a little out of control "down there" it might be time to do some trimming.
• No holes in any clothing! : We all have our favorite ratty old shirt and it will always have its place.  But if you are trying to impress your wife, well maybe you need to dress the part.  You should always dress up a little when going out with your honey.  Pull the plastic off of your work clothes and wear them out on date night.  Jeans are great and all but put a little more effort in and you will reap rewards.

You can tell two things from the title of this post:

I have been asked by a couple(and by that I mean actually two people, yeah I am popular) people to be a guest poster on their blog for Leap Blog Day.  Just keep in mind, if you ask me, you will get the following questions:

1.)  Can I swear?  I ask because I sometimes do and want to make sure if that is okay.  If you would prefer the content PG I can easily do that to... totally up to you.

2.)  Are there any topics you want me to write about?  I already have a couple ideas but if there is a direction you want me to go or a topic you would like covered I can do that to.

3.)  Are there any topics you would like me to avoid?  I don't typically write about anything controversial but I also want to make sure there is not something you would like me to avoid.

4.)  How many alcoholic beverages is acceptable for me to consume before starting to write (please see below chart)

0-1 Rum and Cokes : Very little spelling/grammar errors but typically only provides a chuckle
2-3 Rum and Cokes : Funnier, but usually contains run sentences, liberal application of commas, and is marginally self-grandizing.  
3-4 Rum and Cokes : Hilarious but hard to follow, often jumps topics with wreck-less abandon, spelling will be questionable at best.
4-5 Rum and Cokes : I will probably use a pun...  And not in a good way
6-7 Rum and Cokes : At this point I usually don't finish writing and wake up in the morning with a search history filled with Tattoo images to help me find the perfect ink for my bicep and at least a 10 dollar charge in my iTunes account for Bruce Hornsby's Greatest Hits or some other 80's Adult Soft Rock hit...  I know, scary right?

Okay with the exception of #4 all the other questions are serious. 


While this does seem a bit off putting, I promise that my guest post will be amazing...  Please keep in mind at the time of this post I have had 2.5 Rum and Cokes and am a bit self grandizing right now.


-TheHusBlog

I have several things going on right now.  My life will be extremely busy for the next month due to work items and personal items.  Not to say I am complaining, I am actually extremely pumped.  But because I have so many things going on it is hard for me to sit down and write out a themed post so instead I give you a list of random things going on with me.

• My wife and I are moving!!!  YAY!  The Mrs and I are super excited.  For the past three years we have been renting a house out in the suburbs because it was kind of a half way point between her school and my work.  This house has never felt like a home.  It has always just been a way station on the path to her graduation.  One of both of our dreams was to live in a downtown high-rise.  Well now is the time.  Our move date is March 6th and I told my wife I would take care of everything.  I am going crazy trying to coordinate everything but it is so going to be worth it.  
• At work I have been mentoring an analyst to move into management.  It has been a long process and it is looking like this analyst will finally be promoted.  This is something that means the world to me. I got into management to help people grow and this person getting promoted represents a validation of all of their hard work...
• Leap Blog Day is coming...  click here  And I am super nervous.  I have asked a few people to guest post and I have been asked to guest write a couple times as well.  I am not concerned about my guest writers because they are AWESOME!  I am concerned about the people I am guest writing for because it is such a huge honor to me and I want to do them proud...
• Politics is making me crazy.  I used to really enjoy it and now it just makes me sad.  I typically vote Republican and the current line up is just plain sad.
• I have noticed that my wife and I are becoming dangerously close to addicted to technology.  We both have iPhones and we both check them constantly.  I am thinking about instituting a new cell phone day for us...
• The Gentlemen's Rants on youtube might be my new favorite thing...  There is some swearing so I am calling this NSFW.

Apologies in advance this is going to be a short post.  You see I am having to write my annual performance reviews for my team and as such what little writing I have left in the tank after working on these is probably not funny.

However if I had to guess what my performance appraisal from my Marriage Boss (Wife) would be, I think it would go something like this:

"While the Husband in question certainly means well, there some areas that should be praised and others that require attention.  Leadership in the areas of trash management and dish washer emptying receive high marks when completed in a timely manner.  However on certain occasions this was not the case.  The Husband has earned high praise in gift giving, both on the thoughtfulness scale and appropriate priciness scale.  Husband, however has missed some deadlines which bare mention in this review :

• Office to be cleaned up before company
• Not leaving clothes lying around
• And of course reading the mail

I read several blogs.  In fact if I show up as a reader of a blog that is my personal endorsement of them rocking.  As I search around for new things to read I often have trouble finding male bloggers in the realm of relationships.  I categorize myself as Marriage Blogger but under the heavy guise of humor.  I try to write things that are funny.  Sometimes I get serious but for the most part I believe that my experiences are hilarious.  I don't really fancy this blog as an advice column, even though that is what is seems to be.  I think all human beings really fumble through life, for the most part, doing the best that they can.

If any of my experiences make you laugh, then score.  If you also learn something, then bonus.  I read several legitimate Marriage Blogs with tons of helpful advice, some of it I can use, some of it I cannot.  I spent a lot of time looking online for "averages."  Meaning things like, average times a couple fights, average times a couple has sex, average time a couple spends together, average time a couple spends apart, etc.  And after a while of driving myself crazy trying to figure out if my marriage was average I decided to start this blog.  It serves not only as a place to vent, but also to journal, organize ideas, and dare I say it grow.

The real secret to any marriage is just figuring out what works for you and your spouse.  Society seems to have gone overboard on the whole self esteem thing.  (I know that last sentence was a shitty segue but go with me on this.)  I am not trying to dog self esteem but I also have a unique prospective.  I am fat.  I do not have a problem with being called over weight, it is simply a fact and in no way, shape or form does that make me have low self esteem.  Now certainly from a health perspective I am trying to lose weight and work out more.  This country has a real problem with obese people and we need to fix that.  It seems society is trying to tip toe around the giant overweight population. Rather we should just call it like we see it.  That is not to say that just because you are overweight that you are not attractive.  I find people who are skinny unattractive myself.  That is not too say that if you are overweight there is something defective about you.  Being overweight is just a small part of the person that you are and you should not only identify with that part of you.

"Ah, TheHusBlog what the hell is going on?  Isn't this post supposed to be about Inspiration?"

Yeah, I know I am getting there.

"Well could you get there faster?  This is getting way too off topic."

So on to my point.  With regards to my weight and my marriage, I only worry about what works for me and my spouse.  I do not feel like a bad person because I am overweight, but I do work on it for health reasons because my wife wants me around for the long haul.  With regards to how many times my wife and I fight, make up, or spend time together, I don't worry about trying to fit into some national average. Instead I try to find what works for us.

And finding what works for us is where much of my inspiration comes from.  Marriage can at times be the easiest thing in the world and at other times feel like the hardest job you will ever have.  All the marriage facts and psychologist opinions in the world won't make you a great husband.  But listening to what your partner is saying and listening to how you are feeling will...

-TheHusBlog

ps : Yeah I know this really isn't a funny post.  But come on, I feel like this post from December more than makes up for the funny missing here.

"Whoa there TheHusBlog, if that is your real name, you haven't done a post like this in a while..."

That is true, haven't really written a post of this type in a while but this just had to be shared.  I was driving around the other day and I noticed a new sign in a local strip center for "Tax Masterz."  No, that is not a typo, they spelled Masterz with a mutha fucking "Z".  I am sorry for cursing but that kind of shit (there I go again) makes me CRAZY!

I am so sick and tired of the casual nature in which we have started to treat our language.  I blame texting, the media, the internet, hell, I blame the education system.  It's one thing to have trouble using there, their, and they're, which is stupid, but it is a whole other thing to spell something wrong on purpose because it is cute, or stands out, or what ever.

--Quick Segue--

For a about a year and half I worked as a traveling salesman for Nestle Candy.  I worked in channel sales which basically meant convenience stores.  My territory was eastern Oklahoma, western Arkansas, and southern Missouri.  During my time I ran across literally every fucking funny, silly, dumbass way to spell quick.  Kwick, Quik, Kweck, Quic, etc.  All because people wanted their cute little store to stand out.  It made me so mad!  Coming up with an interesting store name does not need to involve miss-spelling.

--End of Kwick Segue--  (See how dumb that looks)

Convenience Stores are one thing, but a tax preparation service.  Really, how would I have any confidence in a tax person who works at a place that doesn't know how to use an 'S'.

I ranted to FriendofTheHusBlogGuy about this and asked him:  "Would you use a tax service called tax masterz with a Z!!"

His response : "Is the receptionist cute?"

My friend is a real jack ass sometimes...

-TheHusBlog