Marriage Resume

10:00 AM The HusBlog , Posted in , , , 0 Comments

So I once wrote a profound (at least to me) phrase : "Every person you love is a lesson on how to love."  I believe at the time I was pining over a girl with a pierced nose and blue hair, who dug Keats, and lived in my dorm.

Remembering that quote and working on my resume gave me inspiration for this post, good or bad...

The resume is an interesting document, it is part truth, part embellishment, and all history.  Most of us spend hours pouring over our Professional Resume, analyzing each sentence, tweaking each word, and proofing each paragraph.  This document is supposed to represent us in the best light in order to be hired by a company.  This of course got me to thinking that what criteria would be on our Marriage Resume.  What would represent previous employment?  What skills would apply?  What would be the soft skills we bring to the table?

"You think of some strange stuff you know that?"

Yes.

"Okay just checking."

So without further ado, I give you my marriage resume.  (Names and dates changed to protect the innocent, wronged, or just plain crazy...)

"Did you just ellipse in a parenthesis?  Have you been drinking?"

Yes.

"Thought so..."

Judgmental Bastard.

TheHusBlog Marriage Resume

Marriage Statement : Having spent a considerable amount of time in long term relationships I am looking to utilize my skills in harmony making and chore management to the benefit of a marriage partner.  I am adept at conflict management, date planning, and potential mother(or father) in law exposure.  I have relationshiped in both high stress and fast paced environments and can keep up with mood changes if needed.  I have had exposure to fear of commitment, daddy issues, and unfounded jealousy and those items have grown my marriage skills considerably.  Multitasking and internal reflection have received high marks on evaluations.

Relationship History

Wendy (Jan 2001 - Oct 2003)
Longest relationship to date.  Focused on proper positive reinforcement and support of late college entry.  Also supported rehabilitation of previous criminal behavior.
Accomplishments

  • Successfully navigated complex family dynamics
  • Provided a high level of financial support
  • Dealt with strong and rapid mood swings
Reason for Departure : Lack of long term potential and relationship growth.  Also she was a felon and kind of crazy, just sayin'

Amy Jane (Dec 1998 - June 2000)
Interesting relationship paradigm.  She was an extremely devout Christian and I was agnostic at the time.  Relationship centered on her trying to save me and me trying to damn her.
Accomplishments
  • Managed to censor music in car by turning down at volume at swear words
  • Engaged in intimate relations one minute and feeling guilty another
  • Performed a passable inspection when confronted with Highly Religious parental figures
  • Abstained from alcohol during entire duration of relationship (and I was in College at the time)
Reason for Departure : She was pretty sure I was going to Hell (at the time, not sure I disagreed with her)

Victoria (April 1996 - Aug 1997)
Provided relationship duties on a contract to hire basis.  Was often called upon late at night for rapid project turn around.  (Seriously, I am trying to professionally define a booty call).  
Accomplishments
  • Provided services on an ad hoc basis
Reason for Departure : I required a role with more stable work hours.

Zelda (Nov 1995 - Feb 1996)
The situation had me in a relationship with a single mother looking to land a good guy.  I fulfilled role admirably with high marks in consideration, patience, and respect.
Accomplishments
  • Worked around conflicting schedule demands
  • Exceeded parental expectations
  • Exercised proper restraint to accommodate partner's desires or apparent lack there of...
Reason for Departure : Turns out my position was being performed by another party and I was let go due to duplicate effort.  AKA she was cheating...

SKILLS
  • Able to see at least one romantic comedy per month
  • Financial Provider with long term goals
  • Broad based experience in conflict resolution
  • Can make a wicked Martini
  • Multitasking
  • Cooking and clean proficient
  • Technology Support
  • Foot and back massage
  • Excellent Listener
Okay you have to admit that is pretty funny.  The one thing I have learned from this exercise is that all relationships do teach us about ourselves and you have to understand that your feelings and opinions are merely the product of experience.

-TheHusBlog



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